ala: mooozeke

Appears that I have been documenting my days with music - today will be no different.

Breakfast tuneage that tells the story of how I got jazzed to work --
(courtesy of ye 'ol shuffle feature on iTunes)
Cry Baby by Janis
Livin' on Prayer by Bon Jovi
Gimme Shelter by the Stones
(repeated numerous times because that song … well, it just do sumthin to me)
Bring Me to Life by Evanescence

What?!?
No … Déjà Vu by CSNY?
No … Stuck in a Moment by U2?
No … Under the Falling Sky by Jackson Browne?
No … Run Through the Jungle by Credence?

Nope. Not today. Shift in attitude.

I am incredibly close to finishing my first response but the battery is low so it's time to call it a day. The final touches will be put on tomorrow so I can go to the team BBQ with a clear conscience. ; )

And how lucky for me that the grass was cut today rather than tomorrow! Even though the day isn't consistent the time of day is spot on.

Got da music in me

Name the tune from which this lyric originates:
Dressed up like a car crash
The wheels are turning but you're upside down…*

I have a colleague that the uncanny ability to pair just about every situation with a song - it's quite grand to witness.

How ironical that yesterday Tull was in my brain and today it's U2 (well, honestly, U2 is in my brain more that not).

This was the day of perspective as the realization (after an incredible hour chat with a righteous dude) that clouds of anxiety encircle me and there ain't no strong breeze that move them along. Feeling my wheels turning but making little progress, it was time to make my own breeze, like the wind generators in the plains, and move on da little doggies of anxiety, et al. - made meself a list of thangs I can put off for twenty-one more days. Out of brain out of mind … that's the intent, the plan for survival.

Interesting how something so simple produces progress.


* Stay (Faraway, So Close!) by U2

Outta cheeeze but still got D Y-N

Really don't mind if you sit this one out.

My words but a whisper -- your deafness a SHOUT.

These lyrics from "Thick as a Brick" circulated through my head as I wuz mystiphied with un-flattering self-chat today/tonight. That's all I hafta say bout dat. (And if I were honest with myself - and I am - it's actually not much of a mystery.)

Hindsight is 20-20 on life lessons.

Bein' profound tonight, nicht wahr*?

Don't know where this Deutsch is coming from - my brain must be leaking. Praps that it is the survival tactic for preventative explosion; it digresses thirty-some years. Foreign language flashbacks - scary stuff.

* translation: eh?

Got my funk on

About 24 hours ago I felt "it" coming … the funk. I acknowledged its presence, but ignored acceptance. Should know better because as much as I have experience with it, and I know what needs to be done. But I didn't do what I should have and now it's time to deal with it.

Phrases like these blew through my mind:
- What the f*** am I doing this for?
- I should just bag this gig.
- What am I thinking?
- If I disenroll now, I won't have to finish the exam.

If I disenroll now ...

Yup - I'm good at drama creation and fatalist thinking - and therefore I know that 'tude is the tell-tale sign to stop the internal smackdown and be in the moment. How readily I forget that it is so simple: make peace with the moment, action comes out of acceptance - and breathe!

Yet, one of my sounding boards through this process says what I'm going through is normal; everyone goes through the pendulum of emotions and doubts that I'm experiencing. Great! But what does that tell you?

Related to this is the need to be creative. Of course there is a level of that in crafting my exam answers, but there is a different kind that I need.

Last week I began taking one image a day in the area in which I'm writing the exam; ala Brandenburg and Beasley. Doug described an exercise they did in a workshop - parceled off a 5 foot by 5 foot area for each participant and they had to shoot 36 frames from within that area only.

I begin my day with a few deep breaths, a bow, and an image. At the top of this entry is a week's worth of images - decided to keep them in color as that is what is real for me now. Unfortunately I can't figure out how to get the image in the middle of the entry; at the top it remains.

So here's to the funk - may it live as a necessary part of moving forward and moving on.

The grass is cut on Thursday

There was a feeling of going to work today - got up, got stuff done, got to work (on questions) - and it felt right. Staying on my mental schedule was an asset and surprisingly there was little "dancing"…what's with that? (Don't wonder!)

Had a good thing going until I hear lawn mowers echoing through the courtyard. CRAP! And I was doin so well! As much as I tried to incorporate that hideous noise into my environment (become 'one' and remain focused and on track), it just wasn't happenin' and I lost my mo. I diverted my attention to another activity for awhile but didn't get back to 100% for the rest of the day.

The perfectionist came out to play but slipped back into the cage. I proved to myself that I could push through some of the self-doubt and write how I like to work the writing process. I'm grateful for all the advice that came my way prior to comps but as with most everything, I have to make it my own - make it work for me. Through tweaking that awesome advice I can remain true to myself and settle into the remainder of the time I have to complete all this.

I'm starting with the third question and will more than likely work backwards (typical) through the other two.

Process

Maybe it's my background in creative problem solving, but I actually noticed my thinking today. (Will skip the fancy word for that.) I've been struggling a bit the last few days getting settled into what I need to be doing for the next four weeks.

What I noticed today - pretty much an out of body like noticing - was the internal brainstorm process I go through when I'm figuring something out. Right now that sumthin is my exam questions. Of course I could have made it easy on myself (why would I do that?) and just chose a question to begin working on -- that would be too easy. I prefer to let all that stuff whirl around in my thick skull - grabbing at pieces to hang on to briefly - my own spin on chaos theory - and then like magic (yea right) - whoooosh - intense focus with a solution. (Such a rush, maybe that's why I dig it so much.)

"The whirl" has been the crux of the last few days - read the questions, ponder a bit, read the questions, ponder more, read the questions, evaluate and assess, read the questions, wonder what the heck they are really asking, read the questions, ask myself which one should I work on first … and then read the questions again.

While I was waiting for my car to get worked on today I set up a piece of paper for each question and wrote stream of consciencously (is that even a word?) on facets to cover in the (potential) answer. When I found myself concentrating on one question more than the others … ding, ding, ding … I had a winner!

Interestingly I discovered connections between all the questions - could that be the "comprehensive" component? Is that the grand plan?

Whatever.

Day 2.8 has arrived and all is good in the kingdom!

How far can we get away from ourselves?

Don't think we can. Today I lived and eventually embraced how I "be". I say eventually, because it took some time to get where I intended to end up due to the need to work through my patterns.

"The dance" headlined the morning. I adopted this term during my coursework when I noticed I'd pick away at little tasks not associated with what I really needed to do - a pleasant way of saying that is I was ramping up or getting in the mood - huh! It's total avoidance behavior - whose kidding who here? Now that I know what I do, I can laugh. Somewhere I read that the kind of avoidance behavior I enjoy so much means that the pending task is intimidating … YA THINK?? I can always find something to divert my attention.

It's all about our patterns - recognizing them as well. Patterns…isn't that a Simon and Garfunkel song? (I digress -- see how easy that is?) …And the patterns still remain on the wall where darkness fell…aah, the 60's.

Avoidance behavior can yield good stuff though: I got on someones calendar from the State Department of Education to talk about their initiatives for online learning. This is an area I am considering focusing my dissertation on so that's pretty dang cool. It starts with a calendar appointment, right?

Ultimately (and inching closer to my goal) I found myself sitting at my computer but doing stupid (read: non-comps) stuff like weeding through my emails, cleaning off my desktop, and deciding on a new image for my screen. Thanks to an email from a recent comps passee … the image in this entry now brings a grin to my face when I look at my computer. (Thanks ST!)

Suddenly (and that's how quickly it happens) I was super on-task and chuckling once again at myself. It just takes me awhile to get in the groove and I accept that. In courses it took me the first week or so to “get there”. If it took me a week to "get there" for comps, 25% of my time would be gone. That luxury isn’t feasible in this situation. If I went by the 10% "get there" rule from coursework, then on day 2.8 I should be groovin. Sounds like the 2.8 kids statistic for American families – we all know what the .8 looks like….not!! I'm looking forward to tomorrow evening when the 2.8th day arrives.

Despite hearing the news today that someone I thought FO SHO would pass comps, did not – I have to get that out of my head and focus on having confidence my abilities, infuse myself with compassion, and know that I can do this (as much as I hate using that Capellaism).

~ Fin ~

Day One Done

As promised "the questions"' came early in the morning. After acknowledging their receipt I checked them out - hhmmm, they're okay. Sounds odd, I'm sure, but they didn't inspire me to dive in.

After dissecting them for what I didn't understand, I put them away for a bit. Today was not the day to begin in earnest; I really wanted to understand what the questions would entail. Like a snack, I picked away at them throughout the day, mulling over all kinds of parameters. The internal whining began and I gave in to easing into the process - similar to how I begin my day. Besides, them are some deep questions and I gots ta ramp appropriately. No worries - the mood will come over me!


UPDATE a day later:
I find horoscopes fascinating and discover interesting connections AFTER the day for which they were intended. Through email, I receive daily affirmations and horoscope from DailyOM (www.dailyom.com) and this was yesterday's (writing this onTuesday the 22nd) horoscope ... (my comments) -

You may find yourself becoming highly engrossed in educational books, moving personal essays, or intellectual conversations today. (WHOA!) Though you may be responsible for a number of mundane obligations, you’ll likely gravitate toward activities that allow you to utilize your mind and your creative nature. (gravitated but not utilized) This can be a fine time to pick up a book you’ve considered reading, enroll in an adult education course, or take part in a debate. (ya can't make this stuff up!!)

Your attention may be firmly focused on academic or scholarly pursuits, so you may feel fully mentally engaged. (rofl) As you become increasingly lost in the world of facts and discovery today, you may realize that your ability to memorize data and retain what you have learned is heightened. (not so much - since I kinda wanted to crawl into a hole yesterday)

Keeping the mind sharp and flexible is as easy as regularly engaging the intellect in creative and studious pursuits. (trooo, it's trooo) Our minds thrive on activity and stimulation. To ignore the needs of the mind is to court boredom and risk losing the mental agility we have cultivated over the course of our lives.

As we puzzle out problems or assimilate new information, new pathways are formed in our brains that grant us an enhanced aptitude for learning. (holy schneickies!) Study exercises the mind, and it is through lifelong education that we ensure that our ability to grow intellectually stays strong. While learning in and of itself is pleasurable, it also enables us to grow more fully into our emotions and skills. Your mental agility will grow ever keener today as you continue to explore the world. (holy crap - I need a beer!)

(wonder what today's email will bring!)

Sigh

I'm ready.

The organizing and tidying are done.

Over the last few days I've made the possible distractions undistractable so I'm ready for my questions. I know myself well enough to know that if some things were left as they were, I'd use them as avoidance behavior victims and that means trouble - one step over to the dark side and I could be gone for a long, long time. That means the laundry is done, house is clean, recycling is outta here, a fledgling relationship has been back-burnered, and the 3-ring notebooks from my courses are out of storage and poised for use - I feel good about it all.

After an early morning appointment I'll be ready to dive in and make a plan to tackle my comps questions. Whoa - it's just around the corner, isn't it? My plate has been cleared.

It's all about ...

Me.

That's incredibly rare of me to say so let me provide some context. (Gosh, that was three 'me's in a matter of seventeen words!)

I had a fabulous trick played on me a little over a week ago which not only sent me for a loop (and I can laugh from my toes about it now) but also laser-beamed a realization into my mind and out my fingertips.

During this "trick" my body went into a state of shock - my heart raced like crazy and as a result my glucose bottomed out (complete with all the side-effects that goes with that). And I can laugh about this? (Yes, I can now.) After I rifled emails to some of the yucksters one of them reached me on the phone and clued me in on the shenanigans. Total pissed-off-ness transformed into an embarrassed smirk and the adrenalin began coursing through my body. I eventually got back to equilibrium.

The laser-beam of realization came during the aftermath when I wrote in an email to the instigator ... ya know, I didn't pass the critical thinking portion of that 'test' and that got me to think, this degree is more about developing me than anything else.

I'm not going to question where that came from because in the moment, truth was expressed. And I'm going to trust that ... for once.

Intentions: I have a few ... NOT! Try a ton!

So ...

A couple weeks ago I step up this blog. My intention was to post every day as I ramped up to getting my questions. Well, as you can see - ichsnay on that one! My intention to dump what was in my head instead of letting it whirl in my head ... it whirled. OR I just processed it while driving. What's with the driving thing? Mind on the road and mind on the mind? Safety first. Huh! Really - I didn't have any car accidents so I guess it went alright.

Intention Number Whatever was to go through my files with a fine tooth comb - I settled for a wide tooth comb and I'm fine with that. What's with that? I normally would be totally freaked by that and I'm not. Could it be the daily (sometimes twice) meditations? Could it be the Tolle book? Could it be all that therapy? (I know that brought a smile to several people's face.) It's probably a combination deal and that's just fine.

Here I am about twelve hours before the questions are sent to me and the freakage is under control. Go figure ... and I am!

First step of many

Journaling is one way of getting the whirling thoughts out of my head and on paper. Trouble is, I don't always have paper at hand so the thoughts whirl around and then eventually come out some other opening on my body. Sometimes I just vocalize (while in the car) to process, and well, honestly, sometimes I just drive myself nuts with the internal whirl of processing.

So I'm trying something new - blogging through a process, aka: the comprehensive exam (comps). SIGH! My heart is pounding as I write this as I've just come out of the courseroom after reading the expectations and the details of what is about to happen. This still doesn't seem real. I know it's not like any other "course" I've taken, and in fact I know it is NOT a course, but has the structure of the courseroom environment I'm used to. No worries - I'll resolve this odd feeling.

(pause)

Okay - I just screamed - man, that felt good! The neighbors might be wondering what is going on, but that's okay too.

As is my usual routine of entering a course I have checked out (1) who the other learners are in my section, (2) read and responded to the expectations, (3) the content of the "learning units", and (4) updated my profile. I've also signed up for the date when I will receive my questions. WHOA! (Maybe that's why my gut is violently communicating with me.) There is a list of dates for receiving the exam and a specific number of how many people can get their questions on those dates. So now I'm set (at least on my calendar) for Monday, July 21. (Thank you, Daniel, for the sign up tip!)

Time for a break! Really - I just needed that initial cruise to get me oriented. Now I can take a break, as in breakfast, watch some tennis, and then come back for a detailed (and calmer) run-through later.

Surprisingly there are eleven of us in the section (I know I was section-balanced out of section 1 - totally fine - in fact now I know the feeling of that act) and I'm only familiar with four other learners. That's kind of a bummer, but in the end, that's okay too. Time to get to know some other folks and I'll just need to be in contact with my buds in the other section through email.

Well, off for a little break!