Comprehensive Exam: The Results Show

Last week, in fact a week ago today, I turned in my comprehensive exam. I thought it would be fun to post a couple blog entries every so often and share how my freakage was going. But ya know what? I've been having a great time NOT doing ANY Capella work - imagine that! And the time has flown. It's been a great week - laid back, peaceful, pretty dang schweet.

In fact, I haven't been worrying much about getting the results of my comps back either. What's with that? Why worry a week early? (Because that is what i DO? Duh!) But honestly over the weekend…those evil thoughts seeped into my brain.

Then today….as I'm hearing others are getting their results….of course I begin to worry and wonder and start tweakin out again. I logged into my personal email practically every hour to see if "the email" had arrived. But no. Drat! Nothing even close was in the inbox.

After all of that, what possessed me to log into my work email once I got home? The last look was only thirty minutes before that….are you becoming a little OCD, Sheryl?

There were three new messages in my box, one a voice message. Once that phone message was identified as coming from my comps courseroom mentor, the bold move to call her back overtook me and I grabbed the phone.

"Hi Charlotte, it's Sheryl Hess. I see you called - sorry I missed you." (My heart was pounding like crazy by this time.)

"Hi Sheryl." Blah-dee-blah-blah ... my mind wasn't comprehending any words at this point until I heard: "You passed."

A screaming, jumping, yahoo-in' freak ran through my house yelling back into the phone: "Are you kidding me? Holy crap!" (and other profound statements of a similar ilk).

So here I am - a successful completer of the comprehensive exam.

As confident as I was in the work I turned in, there was a little part of me, a shadow of doubt that never leaves me, that the readers would find many more errors than I was aware of and then I'd go into rewrite. Not that a rewrite would be the end of the world, because "rewrites are good" but still….

Now it's onto finishing up a couple of tasks for this quarter and onto dissertation I go. Holy crap. I have never been as proud of myself as I am right now. The exam was the most challenging academic work I have ever been involved in. The roller coaster of emotion and thought and frustration is now over for this task in my program.

I'm looking forward to the transformation of Sheryl to continue as I travel through the dissertation process. Let the onion layers continue to peel away!

Qu'est-ce que c'est *

* French for:
what is it/that?

It's how I feel ...
that's what it is!


Props to Julian Beever (http://users.skynet.be/J.Beever/pave.htm) an artist that creates trompe-l'œil (trick the eye) 3-D chalk drawings on pavement. He captured the essence of what I'm feeling right now as I crawl out of four weeks of enduring the comprehensive exam ... cuz ya know what?
I just submitted my exam!!
Unfreakin believable!


As the adrenaline courses through my body I'm feeling such a dichotomy goin on. I'm excited and I'm so over it. I'm confident and I think I suck. I care about the results and then I don't give a crap - it's over … for now. I've done the best I could in responding to the three questions and it will soon be in the hands of the readers to decide. Are the responses perfect? Heck no! That's not the point - just need to pass, that's all, that's all I want.

SO it's back to the world of work in about seven hours as these four weeks have zoomed by and summer is quickly fading. Gone are the days of waking up when I was ready (don't get me wrong, it was still early in the day), letting my hair dry naturally, lingering with morning tea on the deck, wearing shorts, being barefoot, and setting a respectable pace to the day. Oh well, life goes on, donut?

Topping the fun of the day is my horoscope: The pressure is off. Except for, of course, the pressure you're putting on yourself, which is more or less a constant. Have a little fun or a lot. Either way, you'll be back in full production mode tomorrow.

Once again, you can't make this stuff up!

Watch this space for more news and updates.

Fourth and goal

This is it.
Under the gun.
Do or die.

Typin' my fingers off.
Grindin' the gray matter - ouch!
SO ready for this to be over.

Seven pages left …
Qu'est-ce que c'est.
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better.

Run run run run run run run away.

That's all I got.
Nothing else to say.

● ● ● ●●● ●● ● ●

Over the last twenty years, technology has reorganized how we live, how we communicate, and how we learn. We derive our abilities by forming connections between things - chaos states that the meaning exists – the learner's challenge is to recognize the patterns which appear to be hidden; meaning-making and forming connections between specialized communities are important (and necessary) activities.

George Siemens developed a theory called connectivism which is a combination of principles explored by chaos, network, complexity, and self-organization theories. Learning is a process that occurs within a variety of environments that constantly shifts. Look at the explosion of social networking - the fact that my internet favorites are cross-referenced with a community across the world is mind-blowing. I am linked to others that think similarity or have similar interests. It is freakishly scary and intriguing at the same time.

It's all about connecting the dots.*

I'm in the midst of a major dot-connecting project: comps. Twenty-six days ago I had no idea I would feel the way I do today; there's been a shift in my thought process as I become more conscious about the connections that enable us to learn more are more important than our current state of knowing.



*The design of this blog was chosen for that very reason.

Day trippin'

One would think I'm on a little vacation with the day trips I take. Huh!

Toolin' through the www or the library I find myself getting off track - aka: a day trip. One cool reference leads to another reference which leads to another and another and eventually to a semi-unrelated topic --- off I go … bags are packed … I drop in … hangin ten on the new wave … totally stoked … in the barrel … it closes out … dumpin … back on the board, pladdlin out for a new wave …

A chunk of time zips by and then I know time management has taken a chunk out of my backside and I struggle for air - it doesn't take long to get off on another day trip though.

My travels add to the complexity of the question and heighten my frustration level. Being counseled to bring it back to the basics, I consider how counter that is to how I work - ironical as that is, as I seem to go off the deep end and make it more than I need to - sup wit dat?

And this is my favorite question (so glad I saved it to the end) and I'm off finding new (and incredibly awesome) resources! What the heck?

Maybe it's the day trips and new resources that make it complicated - duh! - ya think?? As new resources continue to find me I'm thinking: holy schneickies, this would be SO cool to add to my dissertation! Earth to Sheryl! Where are you? You are in comps, schnuckums - once again, you are putting the cart before the horse - whoa Nelly! But … the curiosity is heightened with the new things I find … I can't help myself it's like a freakin drug! Of course it might not be the same feeling if had I not finally found anti-Gen Net/digital native literature - awesome stuff!

Dazed I am and discipline I should muster. (Yoda-speak makes a comeback - must be the time of night.) Tomorrow's a new day and the rucksack is by the door.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Addendum: related to the surfing references above

In case you don't know - a surfer wannabe I am. And considering the fun facts I discovered about surfer snack foods, I think, I mean, I know, it's in my genes - or is it jeans?

The two most popular snacks are real opposites and not really that much of a surprise, although one of them does seem to have a UK / cold water slant. Here is a list of pre- and post-surf foods surfers favor (most of which I've partaken in the last few weeks):
Ø Bananas
Ø Tea (regular, green and Yorkshire tea)
Ø Chocolate / high energy snacks
Ø Burritos
Ø More tea
Ø Pasties (various)
Ø Dried fruit
Ø Crisps (aka: potato chips)
Ø Isotonic drinks
Ø All day breakfast (preferable after a surf!)
Ø Hot dogs (I haven't touched this one though)
Ø Coffee
Ø Sandwiches (homemade, fish finger, tomato sauce)

Left foot, right foot, left foot…

Routine … a blessing and a curse.

We would be lost without some kind of structure in our life but hopefully we don't take any structure too seriously and have it run us. I find routine fascinating, especially when tasks become automated because of repetition.

The adjustment from what life was like before comps (BC - ha ha ha) and now during, has been quite a shift for me. Now I think of the adjustment coming up in five days (not quite living in the moment kind of living, is it?) as I noticed what my routine, or rhythm, is these days. A great demonstration of flexibility. Our individual rhythms are like the music of our focus and determination - keeps us steady as we move through our lives. The pace might change but it is nonetheless a unique influence.

Human nature … ain't it great?

Why blog?

The daily activity of blogging has been an incredible release for me. Sure, I open myself up to anyone who reads this - but that is a risk I've chosen to take - can you tell I've been workin' on the vulnerability stuff? Writing this at the end of the day doesn't take anything away from what I'm doing the rest of the day - it is the best closure I have available to me now.

In addition to the release that writing a blog brings, it is a vehicle to process this amazingly stressful time. Five days left (technically six but I go back to work on the day my exam is due) and I am at peace with what is left to do and what the outcome will be. By no means have I given up - not in the least - just operating from a calm confidence which is rather unique for me.

While out and about today a song* unexpectedly filled me and after hearing it once, played it repeatedly until I got home. The noteworthy lyrics that have looped through my head the remainder of the day are:

... What we have we're gonna keep - always

What we've lost we do not need - always

What is it that won't let you sleep - always

Be the arrow

And the target

Put your head over the parapet

Be uncool

Yes, be awkward

And don't look in the obvious place

The soul needs beauty as a soul mate

... Don't find yourself in someone else - always
... Well if you dream then dream out loud - always

...Turn each song into a prayer - always

Now and forever

For always


*Always by U2
(In case you didn't know it, U2 has exceptionally spiritual songs.)

Allusion twenty-two

The moment of the day when we first open our eyes and come into consciousness is a precious opportunity. It sets the tone for all that comes after it. At this moment, our ability to create the day is at its most powerful, and we can offer ourselves fully to the creative process by filling this moment with whatever inspires us most and empower it to be the guiding principle of our day.

Setting the tone for the day actually starts during the closing moments of the previous day. In attempts to control my freakage I end the day with a three-deep-breath meditation and affirmations to set the tone for forward motion the next day. Changing a way of being is challenging (duh) so it's no surprise that is takes 21 days to change a habit (is that why rehab is 28 days?). Living my own creature of habitness the irony of today being day 22 of comps writing was not lost on me. Just as the groove is established the journey is a week from being over…well, part of the journey will be over - then a new journey begins: waiting for results.

As I hit a comfortable stride this morning the realization of what a lonely feeling this process can be surrounded me - not at all what was expected. I recognized later than hoped that my original plan for this four weeks was flawed; making the most of what is left will happen.

Once again … fin!

Ya know when the brain freezes and nothing comes out? UGH!

I was determined to finish the second question Sunday - wouldn't go to bed until it was done due to the schedule I set up for myself. It wasn't even my typical high exception type of schedule, just a regular 'ol logical one (or so I thought until I flipped out for several days). Pity I haven't really stuck to that schedule - oops! But now that I have a week left it's necessary to inflict some pain on myself in order to finish.

If I can make it past midnight I'm good for several more hours - it's getting past midnight that's the killer - especially tough between 10:30 pm and the magic hour.

One more week. Fun sure flies when you're doin time!

Pole, pole.

Pronounced "po-la, po-la" and is Swahili for ‘slow, slow.’

I heard those words often while in Kenya as my Western psychological way of being showed up when events were either going array or not as fast as I thought they should. With a smile on his face, the elder of the village we stayed in would quietly say that phrase, and I would be reassured - after all I had no power to change the situation … in his infinite wisdom he was telling me to chill out.

Every so often that phrase wafts through my head. Like it did today as question two is still in the hopper. Yesterday I decided to take my response in a different direction than it began. Today I decided to reverse that and go back to my original approach. SHERYL!! What the heck are you thinking?!?

Ultimately that side trip had benefits.

Life is sculpted on a moment-to-moment basis. Every one of the thoughts we think, the words we speak, and the actions we take contributes to the complex quality and character of the universe’s unfolding. Every action taken affects the whole as greatly as every action not taken.
It is wise to be somewhat selective about how and where we are using our energy in order to keep ourselves from becoming scattered. The energy it takes to consolidate the scatteredness might be exhausting but how would we know there was discombobulation without reflection?

In the middleness of it all

Fun fact about today's image:

It is my rejected submission for the Minnesota State Fair. I'm in good company though - I ran into a professional photog in the pick-up line who also had a rejected piece - ggrrr. The judge was the Associate Curator of Photography at the Minneapolis Institute of Art … whoa.


If the world could stop turning for a day or two I'd be a happy camper - not because the clock is a-tickin but because I'm right in the middle of my second question and wanna plow through to the end - don't wanna lose the mo. Suspension of time would allow me to continue without having to experience the effects of time passing through a day. Quite the fantasy, eh?

Our minds need to rest in order to flourish. Although it is frustrating to feel unable to get ideas across or that whatever we want to do isn’t going our way, remembering that everything in life is a process gives us permission to let go of our need for perfection - am taking advantage of that permission. I know that (perfection) is not the aim of this experience.

Allowing oneself to use downtime to rejuvenate the mind can ultimately lead to something not have thought of before — putting things on our own back burner creates a rich and abundant stew of innovation. Releasing notions of what should be today, I just might be able to discover what will come could be beyond my wildest dreams.

so...yup!

As Tim Gunn says on Project Runway:
Make it work!

Well, I'm workin' it, Tim!


Productive day and even though I could stay up and work some more, it's better to hit the sack so I'm good for tomorrow (later today, really). Besides, have a 7:30 am walking date which I cannot miss!

Tidbits from today's horoscope - more ironies:

It could be easier for you to see what the future might hold for you today. Since you are observing what is happening now, you may feel like you can understand what might come to pass later. Having a farsighted view of your life can be a way for you to lay the groundwork today for your dreams of tomorrow, and you might try to consider what impact your actions could have on the future. (there's some blah-de-blah in between this and ...) By taking steps to align your present life with your future hopes today, you will transform your vision into something extraordinary.


Score!

How 'bout that Favre guy?

Yes, I know there are world events happening as I am consumed with comps. (Or should I say being consumed with being consumed?) How can I not be? The Daily Show with Jon Stewart is a nightly ritual!

But this is not about football or comedy (in a way, aren’t they the same thing? Sorry Beth.), it's about resources. Brett's being resourceful, don't ya think? I'm being resourceful as well.

As recommended, I organized resources gathered throughout my courses - binder, boxes, files, folders, bookmarks … electronic and paper. During quarter break the resources were re-organized in anticipation for comps. Felt pretty secure about it too. Although one cannot entirely anticipate the nature of the questions they will receive, piling with purpose provides a springboard for response success.

So has my purposeful piling served me well? More yes than no.

Pre-sorted and piled categories have cut down on whipping through papers like a mad-woman to locate appropriate references. That's great. But the questions contain aspects that I don't think I could have anticipated and therefore I still find myself in the library filling in the reference gaps or connecting the dots between the resources I have and the emphasis of the question.

At the end of the day (which this is) it's better to be organizationally piled than pile-challenged.

Geekin' out wit da research

Can't tell a question by the first (second, third…) read. When I was graced with my comps questions a couple weeks ago I poured over them as I knew one would speak to me: "Do me! Do me!" And all would be good. NOT! As I worked with the question it got more and more complicated and what began as a not-so-hard question turned out to be quite the opposite. But the question knew better and made itself look attractive so I could get that bugger outta da way! Just like Question 3 (application of theory), isn't it?

Though my remaining time is limited (drat!) gotta confess that Question 1 (research methodology) is captivating; havin such a good time with it. Experience with responding to a question has definitely been an advantage as I've developed a strategy - but, man, it's also a fun question. My geek side is certainly being honored. Imagine that!

Today's journey through a big-ass research book (it is the coolest book, ya know - really) yielded quite the gut-busting laugh when I read about my friend of the last few weeks: cognitive disequilibrium (Seel, 2008).

"The affective states of confusion and perhaps frustration are likely to occur during cognitive disequilibrium. Recent research has indeed pointed to confusion as an important affective state of learning. Confusion indicates an uncertainty about what to do next or how to act: thus, confusion often accompanies cognitive disequilibrium." (p. 49)

This so hilarious -- okay - acknowledging the geek, here. Confusion? Frustration? Uncertainty about what to do next? All characters in Sheryl's flip-out. Ya just can't make this stuff up!


Gots to give props wit da APA:
Seel, N. M. (2008). Empirical perspectives on memory and motivation. In J. M. Spector, M. D. Merrill, J. van Merriënboer, & M. P. Driscoll (Eds.)., Handbook of Research on Educational Communications and Technology (3rd ed.) (pp. 39-54). New York: Erlbaum.

Inner adventures

As usual I check out the horrorscope (misspelled for fun) at the end of the day (thanks again to TG for turning me on to this source) - as usual, the entertainment value is exceptional - and as usual the opportunity to shake my head remains (in a good way). How ironical today's image is what is for it's taken early in the morning.

The practice to stay present is all up in my face - where else would it be, you ask? Needless to say my mind wanders as I narrow my focus on the second comps question.

Today's words (my words) :
Your restless spirit may make you yearn for faraway places today, and this desire for a greater sense of adventure could mean that you wish to escape from your life as it is now. Perhaps you can use your longing for change to focus more deeply on the places you can travel to within yourself (good idea). During your meditations today you can use the power of your breath to access the parts of yourself that are unknown to you, imagining with each inhale that you are opening up doors to new and mysterious worlds that lie within (good advice for everyone).

Adventures of the spirit are as beneficial to us as travel to far-off places. Often the need to go somewhere physically is a signal that we are uncomfortable with what lies within ourselves causing us to focus our time, attention, and energy on something exciting that helps us forget what really is going on inside of us. When we have the courage to look within, however, we will discover that our inner world and the adventures that our spirits take us on, while sometimes daunting, are just as rich as the world beyond us. Going on an inner-focused adventure will bring new ideas, insights, and meaning to your life today (good - 'cuz I need it right now).


Once again - right on, sista! Listen inside - trust the universe - and move forward.

Next!

It's never too late to re-create; or recreate - today was about re-creation as I have blown the original game plan for this time off. Oh well - just make a new plan, Stan (and set yoself free) - monitor and adjust, so to speak.

All is not lost as there is still time left to finish what I have to do just gotta remind myself of the need to be flexible and go with the flow. When "it" ain't happenin, "it" ain't happenin - forcing the issue doesn't help. What needs to happen is take care of what needs to be taken care of and know that was the right thing to do after all is said and done.

The next two questions auditioned for my attention and though both did well, there wasn't a clear winner. Tryouts continue tomorrow (well, that would actually be today considering what time it is).

A shout out to the BroMeister

All things considered, my brother is rather marvelous. In his BroMeister way he has expressed pride in my being in a doctoral program. When I told him I was writing comps he asked if I would be "doctor" afterwards. Grinning big I broke the news to him there was more to do after that, about a year-and-a-half more to do. "Oh - well cool."

I appreciate his interest and pride because we're pretty tight…have bonded over a lot of shared unpleasant history growing up so if anyone can understand us it would be each other. Though he occasionally tells me what I'm doing is nothing like what is up in his life - I keep telling him that's okay! There's no reason to compare. I'm not in this for any one-up-sibling-ness (never a factor) and I'm not in this for the letters after my name. Hey - it's me - Sheryl - and will be that forever.

So why am I doing this? During this recent tumultuous up and down time, that question has been floating through my head. Ultimately I want to contribute to the education of youth in a different manner than when I was teaching.

Coming from an environment where I was told I wouldn't amount to anything has made me driven (in a good and not-so-good way) but in the end - I'm still me - a person who is amazed I'm in an freakin' doctoral program and made this reality out of several sorry-ass periods of my life.

So - yes! I will take a day to help my brother move and assist him to travel forward in his life, create a new beginning, and hopefully find peace - at least that is my dream for him and his family. I would do anything for this guy. I probably would have taken the day off work anyway to help him because he totally kicked-ass last year when I painted my whole condo the first few days I moved in. When all's said and done that is what life is about: other people.

I am blown away at the amount of support I have received in the last few weeks: encouragement beyond my wildest expectations. Continuing to trust that and derive strength from that for the next few weeks is top on my "to do" list. SO thank you to everyone who has expressed a "go for it" message - it has truly been felt in my heart.

ala: mooozeke

Appears that I have been documenting my days with music - today will be no different.

Breakfast tuneage that tells the story of how I got jazzed to work --
(courtesy of ye 'ol shuffle feature on iTunes)
Cry Baby by Janis
Livin' on Prayer by Bon Jovi
Gimme Shelter by the Stones
(repeated numerous times because that song … well, it just do sumthin to me)
Bring Me to Life by Evanescence

What?!?
No … Déjà Vu by CSNY?
No … Stuck in a Moment by U2?
No … Under the Falling Sky by Jackson Browne?
No … Run Through the Jungle by Credence?

Nope. Not today. Shift in attitude.

I am incredibly close to finishing my first response but the battery is low so it's time to call it a day. The final touches will be put on tomorrow so I can go to the team BBQ with a clear conscience. ; )

And how lucky for me that the grass was cut today rather than tomorrow! Even though the day isn't consistent the time of day is spot on.

Got da music in me

Name the tune from which this lyric originates:
Dressed up like a car crash
The wheels are turning but you're upside down…*

I have a colleague that the uncanny ability to pair just about every situation with a song - it's quite grand to witness.

How ironical that yesterday Tull was in my brain and today it's U2 (well, honestly, U2 is in my brain more that not).

This was the day of perspective as the realization (after an incredible hour chat with a righteous dude) that clouds of anxiety encircle me and there ain't no strong breeze that move them along. Feeling my wheels turning but making little progress, it was time to make my own breeze, like the wind generators in the plains, and move on da little doggies of anxiety, et al. - made meself a list of thangs I can put off for twenty-one more days. Out of brain out of mind … that's the intent, the plan for survival.

Interesting how something so simple produces progress.


* Stay (Faraway, So Close!) by U2

Outta cheeeze but still got D Y-N

Really don't mind if you sit this one out.

My words but a whisper -- your deafness a SHOUT.

These lyrics from "Thick as a Brick" circulated through my head as I wuz mystiphied with un-flattering self-chat today/tonight. That's all I hafta say bout dat. (And if I were honest with myself - and I am - it's actually not much of a mystery.)

Hindsight is 20-20 on life lessons.

Bein' profound tonight, nicht wahr*?

Don't know where this Deutsch is coming from - my brain must be leaking. Praps that it is the survival tactic for preventative explosion; it digresses thirty-some years. Foreign language flashbacks - scary stuff.

* translation: eh?

Got my funk on

About 24 hours ago I felt "it" coming … the funk. I acknowledged its presence, but ignored acceptance. Should know better because as much as I have experience with it, and I know what needs to be done. But I didn't do what I should have and now it's time to deal with it.

Phrases like these blew through my mind:
- What the f*** am I doing this for?
- I should just bag this gig.
- What am I thinking?
- If I disenroll now, I won't have to finish the exam.

If I disenroll now ...

Yup - I'm good at drama creation and fatalist thinking - and therefore I know that 'tude is the tell-tale sign to stop the internal smackdown and be in the moment. How readily I forget that it is so simple: make peace with the moment, action comes out of acceptance - and breathe!

Yet, one of my sounding boards through this process says what I'm going through is normal; everyone goes through the pendulum of emotions and doubts that I'm experiencing. Great! But what does that tell you?

Related to this is the need to be creative. Of course there is a level of that in crafting my exam answers, but there is a different kind that I need.

Last week I began taking one image a day in the area in which I'm writing the exam; ala Brandenburg and Beasley. Doug described an exercise they did in a workshop - parceled off a 5 foot by 5 foot area for each participant and they had to shoot 36 frames from within that area only.

I begin my day with a few deep breaths, a bow, and an image. At the top of this entry is a week's worth of images - decided to keep them in color as that is what is real for me now. Unfortunately I can't figure out how to get the image in the middle of the entry; at the top it remains.

So here's to the funk - may it live as a necessary part of moving forward and moving on.

The grass is cut on Thursday

There was a feeling of going to work today - got up, got stuff done, got to work (on questions) - and it felt right. Staying on my mental schedule was an asset and surprisingly there was little "dancing"…what's with that? (Don't wonder!)

Had a good thing going until I hear lawn mowers echoing through the courtyard. CRAP! And I was doin so well! As much as I tried to incorporate that hideous noise into my environment (become 'one' and remain focused and on track), it just wasn't happenin' and I lost my mo. I diverted my attention to another activity for awhile but didn't get back to 100% for the rest of the day.

The perfectionist came out to play but slipped back into the cage. I proved to myself that I could push through some of the self-doubt and write how I like to work the writing process. I'm grateful for all the advice that came my way prior to comps but as with most everything, I have to make it my own - make it work for me. Through tweaking that awesome advice I can remain true to myself and settle into the remainder of the time I have to complete all this.

I'm starting with the third question and will more than likely work backwards (typical) through the other two.

Process

Maybe it's my background in creative problem solving, but I actually noticed my thinking today. (Will skip the fancy word for that.) I've been struggling a bit the last few days getting settled into what I need to be doing for the next four weeks.

What I noticed today - pretty much an out of body like noticing - was the internal brainstorm process I go through when I'm figuring something out. Right now that sumthin is my exam questions. Of course I could have made it easy on myself (why would I do that?) and just chose a question to begin working on -- that would be too easy. I prefer to let all that stuff whirl around in my thick skull - grabbing at pieces to hang on to briefly - my own spin on chaos theory - and then like magic (yea right) - whoooosh - intense focus with a solution. (Such a rush, maybe that's why I dig it so much.)

"The whirl" has been the crux of the last few days - read the questions, ponder a bit, read the questions, ponder more, read the questions, evaluate and assess, read the questions, wonder what the heck they are really asking, read the questions, ask myself which one should I work on first … and then read the questions again.

While I was waiting for my car to get worked on today I set up a piece of paper for each question and wrote stream of consciencously (is that even a word?) on facets to cover in the (potential) answer. When I found myself concentrating on one question more than the others … ding, ding, ding … I had a winner!

Interestingly I discovered connections between all the questions - could that be the "comprehensive" component? Is that the grand plan?

Whatever.

Day 2.8 has arrived and all is good in the kingdom!

How far can we get away from ourselves?

Don't think we can. Today I lived and eventually embraced how I "be". I say eventually, because it took some time to get where I intended to end up due to the need to work through my patterns.

"The dance" headlined the morning. I adopted this term during my coursework when I noticed I'd pick away at little tasks not associated with what I really needed to do - a pleasant way of saying that is I was ramping up or getting in the mood - huh! It's total avoidance behavior - whose kidding who here? Now that I know what I do, I can laugh. Somewhere I read that the kind of avoidance behavior I enjoy so much means that the pending task is intimidating … YA THINK?? I can always find something to divert my attention.

It's all about our patterns - recognizing them as well. Patterns…isn't that a Simon and Garfunkel song? (I digress -- see how easy that is?) …And the patterns still remain on the wall where darkness fell…aah, the 60's.

Avoidance behavior can yield good stuff though: I got on someones calendar from the State Department of Education to talk about their initiatives for online learning. This is an area I am considering focusing my dissertation on so that's pretty dang cool. It starts with a calendar appointment, right?

Ultimately (and inching closer to my goal) I found myself sitting at my computer but doing stupid (read: non-comps) stuff like weeding through my emails, cleaning off my desktop, and deciding on a new image for my screen. Thanks to an email from a recent comps passee … the image in this entry now brings a grin to my face when I look at my computer. (Thanks ST!)

Suddenly (and that's how quickly it happens) I was super on-task and chuckling once again at myself. It just takes me awhile to get in the groove and I accept that. In courses it took me the first week or so to “get there”. If it took me a week to "get there" for comps, 25% of my time would be gone. That luxury isn’t feasible in this situation. If I went by the 10% "get there" rule from coursework, then on day 2.8 I should be groovin. Sounds like the 2.8 kids statistic for American families – we all know what the .8 looks like….not!! I'm looking forward to tomorrow evening when the 2.8th day arrives.

Despite hearing the news today that someone I thought FO SHO would pass comps, did not – I have to get that out of my head and focus on having confidence my abilities, infuse myself with compassion, and know that I can do this (as much as I hate using that Capellaism).

~ Fin ~

Day One Done

As promised "the questions"' came early in the morning. After acknowledging their receipt I checked them out - hhmmm, they're okay. Sounds odd, I'm sure, but they didn't inspire me to dive in.

After dissecting them for what I didn't understand, I put them away for a bit. Today was not the day to begin in earnest; I really wanted to understand what the questions would entail. Like a snack, I picked away at them throughout the day, mulling over all kinds of parameters. The internal whining began and I gave in to easing into the process - similar to how I begin my day. Besides, them are some deep questions and I gots ta ramp appropriately. No worries - the mood will come over me!


UPDATE a day later:
I find horoscopes fascinating and discover interesting connections AFTER the day for which they were intended. Through email, I receive daily affirmations and horoscope from DailyOM (www.dailyom.com) and this was yesterday's (writing this onTuesday the 22nd) horoscope ... (my comments) -

You may find yourself becoming highly engrossed in educational books, moving personal essays, or intellectual conversations today. (WHOA!) Though you may be responsible for a number of mundane obligations, you’ll likely gravitate toward activities that allow you to utilize your mind and your creative nature. (gravitated but not utilized) This can be a fine time to pick up a book you’ve considered reading, enroll in an adult education course, or take part in a debate. (ya can't make this stuff up!!)

Your attention may be firmly focused on academic or scholarly pursuits, so you may feel fully mentally engaged. (rofl) As you become increasingly lost in the world of facts and discovery today, you may realize that your ability to memorize data and retain what you have learned is heightened. (not so much - since I kinda wanted to crawl into a hole yesterday)

Keeping the mind sharp and flexible is as easy as regularly engaging the intellect in creative and studious pursuits. (trooo, it's trooo) Our minds thrive on activity and stimulation. To ignore the needs of the mind is to court boredom and risk losing the mental agility we have cultivated over the course of our lives.

As we puzzle out problems or assimilate new information, new pathways are formed in our brains that grant us an enhanced aptitude for learning. (holy schneickies!) Study exercises the mind, and it is through lifelong education that we ensure that our ability to grow intellectually stays strong. While learning in and of itself is pleasurable, it also enables us to grow more fully into our emotions and skills. Your mental agility will grow ever keener today as you continue to explore the world. (holy crap - I need a beer!)

(wonder what today's email will bring!)

Sigh

I'm ready.

The organizing and tidying are done.

Over the last few days I've made the possible distractions undistractable so I'm ready for my questions. I know myself well enough to know that if some things were left as they were, I'd use them as avoidance behavior victims and that means trouble - one step over to the dark side and I could be gone for a long, long time. That means the laundry is done, house is clean, recycling is outta here, a fledgling relationship has been back-burnered, and the 3-ring notebooks from my courses are out of storage and poised for use - I feel good about it all.

After an early morning appointment I'll be ready to dive in and make a plan to tackle my comps questions. Whoa - it's just around the corner, isn't it? My plate has been cleared.

It's all about ...

Me.

That's incredibly rare of me to say so let me provide some context. (Gosh, that was three 'me's in a matter of seventeen words!)

I had a fabulous trick played on me a little over a week ago which not only sent me for a loop (and I can laugh from my toes about it now) but also laser-beamed a realization into my mind and out my fingertips.

During this "trick" my body went into a state of shock - my heart raced like crazy and as a result my glucose bottomed out (complete with all the side-effects that goes with that). And I can laugh about this? (Yes, I can now.) After I rifled emails to some of the yucksters one of them reached me on the phone and clued me in on the shenanigans. Total pissed-off-ness transformed into an embarrassed smirk and the adrenalin began coursing through my body. I eventually got back to equilibrium.

The laser-beam of realization came during the aftermath when I wrote in an email to the instigator ... ya know, I didn't pass the critical thinking portion of that 'test' and that got me to think, this degree is more about developing me than anything else.

I'm not going to question where that came from because in the moment, truth was expressed. And I'm going to trust that ... for once.

Intentions: I have a few ... NOT! Try a ton!

So ...

A couple weeks ago I step up this blog. My intention was to post every day as I ramped up to getting my questions. Well, as you can see - ichsnay on that one! My intention to dump what was in my head instead of letting it whirl in my head ... it whirled. OR I just processed it while driving. What's with the driving thing? Mind on the road and mind on the mind? Safety first. Huh! Really - I didn't have any car accidents so I guess it went alright.

Intention Number Whatever was to go through my files with a fine tooth comb - I settled for a wide tooth comb and I'm fine with that. What's with that? I normally would be totally freaked by that and I'm not. Could it be the daily (sometimes twice) meditations? Could it be the Tolle book? Could it be all that therapy? (I know that brought a smile to several people's face.) It's probably a combination deal and that's just fine.

Here I am about twelve hours before the questions are sent to me and the freakage is under control. Go figure ... and I am!

First step of many

Journaling is one way of getting the whirling thoughts out of my head and on paper. Trouble is, I don't always have paper at hand so the thoughts whirl around and then eventually come out some other opening on my body. Sometimes I just vocalize (while in the car) to process, and well, honestly, sometimes I just drive myself nuts with the internal whirl of processing.

So I'm trying something new - blogging through a process, aka: the comprehensive exam (comps). SIGH! My heart is pounding as I write this as I've just come out of the courseroom after reading the expectations and the details of what is about to happen. This still doesn't seem real. I know it's not like any other "course" I've taken, and in fact I know it is NOT a course, but has the structure of the courseroom environment I'm used to. No worries - I'll resolve this odd feeling.

(pause)

Okay - I just screamed - man, that felt good! The neighbors might be wondering what is going on, but that's okay too.

As is my usual routine of entering a course I have checked out (1) who the other learners are in my section, (2) read and responded to the expectations, (3) the content of the "learning units", and (4) updated my profile. I've also signed up for the date when I will receive my questions. WHOA! (Maybe that's why my gut is violently communicating with me.) There is a list of dates for receiving the exam and a specific number of how many people can get their questions on those dates. So now I'm set (at least on my calendar) for Monday, July 21. (Thank you, Daniel, for the sign up tip!)

Time for a break! Really - I just needed that initial cruise to get me oriented. Now I can take a break, as in breakfast, watch some tennis, and then come back for a detailed (and calmer) run-through later.

Surprisingly there are eleven of us in the section (I know I was section-balanced out of section 1 - totally fine - in fact now I know the feeling of that act) and I'm only familiar with four other learners. That's kind of a bummer, but in the end, that's okay too. Time to get to know some other folks and I'll just need to be in contact with my buds in the other section through email.

Well, off for a little break!