Comprehensive Exam: The Results Show

Last week, in fact a week ago today, I turned in my comprehensive exam. I thought it would be fun to post a couple blog entries every so often and share how my freakage was going. But ya know what? I've been having a great time NOT doing ANY Capella work - imagine that! And the time has flown. It's been a great week - laid back, peaceful, pretty dang schweet.

In fact, I haven't been worrying much about getting the results of my comps back either. What's with that? Why worry a week early? (Because that is what i DO? Duh!) But honestly over the weekend…those evil thoughts seeped into my brain.

Then today….as I'm hearing others are getting their results….of course I begin to worry and wonder and start tweakin out again. I logged into my personal email practically every hour to see if "the email" had arrived. But no. Drat! Nothing even close was in the inbox.

After all of that, what possessed me to log into my work email once I got home? The last look was only thirty minutes before that….are you becoming a little OCD, Sheryl?

There were three new messages in my box, one a voice message. Once that phone message was identified as coming from my comps courseroom mentor, the bold move to call her back overtook me and I grabbed the phone.

"Hi Charlotte, it's Sheryl Hess. I see you called - sorry I missed you." (My heart was pounding like crazy by this time.)

"Hi Sheryl." Blah-dee-blah-blah ... my mind wasn't comprehending any words at this point until I heard: "You passed."

A screaming, jumping, yahoo-in' freak ran through my house yelling back into the phone: "Are you kidding me? Holy crap!" (and other profound statements of a similar ilk).

So here I am - a successful completer of the comprehensive exam.

As confident as I was in the work I turned in, there was a little part of me, a shadow of doubt that never leaves me, that the readers would find many more errors than I was aware of and then I'd go into rewrite. Not that a rewrite would be the end of the world, because "rewrites are good" but still….

Now it's onto finishing up a couple of tasks for this quarter and onto dissertation I go. Holy crap. I have never been as proud of myself as I am right now. The exam was the most challenging academic work I have ever been involved in. The roller coaster of emotion and thought and frustration is now over for this task in my program.

I'm looking forward to the transformation of Sheryl to continue as I travel through the dissertation process. Let the onion layers continue to peel away!

Qu'est-ce que c'est *

* French for:
what is it/that?

It's how I feel ...
that's what it is!


Props to Julian Beever (http://users.skynet.be/J.Beever/pave.htm) an artist that creates trompe-l'œil (trick the eye) 3-D chalk drawings on pavement. He captured the essence of what I'm feeling right now as I crawl out of four weeks of enduring the comprehensive exam ... cuz ya know what?
I just submitted my exam!!
Unfreakin believable!


As the adrenaline courses through my body I'm feeling such a dichotomy goin on. I'm excited and I'm so over it. I'm confident and I think I suck. I care about the results and then I don't give a crap - it's over … for now. I've done the best I could in responding to the three questions and it will soon be in the hands of the readers to decide. Are the responses perfect? Heck no! That's not the point - just need to pass, that's all, that's all I want.

SO it's back to the world of work in about seven hours as these four weeks have zoomed by and summer is quickly fading. Gone are the days of waking up when I was ready (don't get me wrong, it was still early in the day), letting my hair dry naturally, lingering with morning tea on the deck, wearing shorts, being barefoot, and setting a respectable pace to the day. Oh well, life goes on, donut?

Topping the fun of the day is my horoscope: The pressure is off. Except for, of course, the pressure you're putting on yourself, which is more or less a constant. Have a little fun or a lot. Either way, you'll be back in full production mode tomorrow.

Once again, you can't make this stuff up!

Watch this space for more news and updates.

Fourth and goal

This is it.
Under the gun.
Do or die.

Typin' my fingers off.
Grindin' the gray matter - ouch!
SO ready for this to be over.

Seven pages left …
Qu'est-ce que c'est.
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better.

Run run run run run run run away.

That's all I got.
Nothing else to say.

● ● ● ●●● ●● ● ●

Over the last twenty years, technology has reorganized how we live, how we communicate, and how we learn. We derive our abilities by forming connections between things - chaos states that the meaning exists – the learner's challenge is to recognize the patterns which appear to be hidden; meaning-making and forming connections between specialized communities are important (and necessary) activities.

George Siemens developed a theory called connectivism which is a combination of principles explored by chaos, network, complexity, and self-organization theories. Learning is a process that occurs within a variety of environments that constantly shifts. Look at the explosion of social networking - the fact that my internet favorites are cross-referenced with a community across the world is mind-blowing. I am linked to others that think similarity or have similar interests. It is freakishly scary and intriguing at the same time.

It's all about connecting the dots.*

I'm in the midst of a major dot-connecting project: comps. Twenty-six days ago I had no idea I would feel the way I do today; there's been a shift in my thought process as I become more conscious about the connections that enable us to learn more are more important than our current state of knowing.



*The design of this blog was chosen for that very reason.

Day trippin'

One would think I'm on a little vacation with the day trips I take. Huh!

Toolin' through the www or the library I find myself getting off track - aka: a day trip. One cool reference leads to another reference which leads to another and another and eventually to a semi-unrelated topic --- off I go … bags are packed … I drop in … hangin ten on the new wave … totally stoked … in the barrel … it closes out … dumpin … back on the board, pladdlin out for a new wave …

A chunk of time zips by and then I know time management has taken a chunk out of my backside and I struggle for air - it doesn't take long to get off on another day trip though.

My travels add to the complexity of the question and heighten my frustration level. Being counseled to bring it back to the basics, I consider how counter that is to how I work - ironical as that is, as I seem to go off the deep end and make it more than I need to - sup wit dat?

And this is my favorite question (so glad I saved it to the end) and I'm off finding new (and incredibly awesome) resources! What the heck?

Maybe it's the day trips and new resources that make it complicated - duh! - ya think?? As new resources continue to find me I'm thinking: holy schneickies, this would be SO cool to add to my dissertation! Earth to Sheryl! Where are you? You are in comps, schnuckums - once again, you are putting the cart before the horse - whoa Nelly! But … the curiosity is heightened with the new things I find … I can't help myself it's like a freakin drug! Of course it might not be the same feeling if had I not finally found anti-Gen Net/digital native literature - awesome stuff!

Dazed I am and discipline I should muster. (Yoda-speak makes a comeback - must be the time of night.) Tomorrow's a new day and the rucksack is by the door.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Addendum: related to the surfing references above

In case you don't know - a surfer wannabe I am. And considering the fun facts I discovered about surfer snack foods, I think, I mean, I know, it's in my genes - or is it jeans?

The two most popular snacks are real opposites and not really that much of a surprise, although one of them does seem to have a UK / cold water slant. Here is a list of pre- and post-surf foods surfers favor (most of which I've partaken in the last few weeks):
Ø Bananas
Ø Tea (regular, green and Yorkshire tea)
Ø Chocolate / high energy snacks
Ø Burritos
Ø More tea
Ø Pasties (various)
Ø Dried fruit
Ø Crisps (aka: potato chips)
Ø Isotonic drinks
Ø All day breakfast (preferable after a surf!)
Ø Hot dogs (I haven't touched this one though)
Ø Coffee
Ø Sandwiches (homemade, fish finger, tomato sauce)

Left foot, right foot, left foot…

Routine … a blessing and a curse.

We would be lost without some kind of structure in our life but hopefully we don't take any structure too seriously and have it run us. I find routine fascinating, especially when tasks become automated because of repetition.

The adjustment from what life was like before comps (BC - ha ha ha) and now during, has been quite a shift for me. Now I think of the adjustment coming up in five days (not quite living in the moment kind of living, is it?) as I noticed what my routine, or rhythm, is these days. A great demonstration of flexibility. Our individual rhythms are like the music of our focus and determination - keeps us steady as we move through our lives. The pace might change but it is nonetheless a unique influence.

Human nature … ain't it great?

Why blog?

The daily activity of blogging has been an incredible release for me. Sure, I open myself up to anyone who reads this - but that is a risk I've chosen to take - can you tell I've been workin' on the vulnerability stuff? Writing this at the end of the day doesn't take anything away from what I'm doing the rest of the day - it is the best closure I have available to me now.

In addition to the release that writing a blog brings, it is a vehicle to process this amazingly stressful time. Five days left (technically six but I go back to work on the day my exam is due) and I am at peace with what is left to do and what the outcome will be. By no means have I given up - not in the least - just operating from a calm confidence which is rather unique for me.

While out and about today a song* unexpectedly filled me and after hearing it once, played it repeatedly until I got home. The noteworthy lyrics that have looped through my head the remainder of the day are:

... What we have we're gonna keep - always

What we've lost we do not need - always

What is it that won't let you sleep - always

Be the arrow

And the target

Put your head over the parapet

Be uncool

Yes, be awkward

And don't look in the obvious place

The soul needs beauty as a soul mate

... Don't find yourself in someone else - always
... Well if you dream then dream out loud - always

...Turn each song into a prayer - always

Now and forever

For always


*Always by U2
(In case you didn't know it, U2 has exceptionally spiritual songs.)

Allusion twenty-two

The moment of the day when we first open our eyes and come into consciousness is a precious opportunity. It sets the tone for all that comes after it. At this moment, our ability to create the day is at its most powerful, and we can offer ourselves fully to the creative process by filling this moment with whatever inspires us most and empower it to be the guiding principle of our day.

Setting the tone for the day actually starts during the closing moments of the previous day. In attempts to control my freakage I end the day with a three-deep-breath meditation and affirmations to set the tone for forward motion the next day. Changing a way of being is challenging (duh) so it's no surprise that is takes 21 days to change a habit (is that why rehab is 28 days?). Living my own creature of habitness the irony of today being day 22 of comps writing was not lost on me. Just as the groove is established the journey is a week from being over…well, part of the journey will be over - then a new journey begins: waiting for results.

As I hit a comfortable stride this morning the realization of what a lonely feeling this process can be surrounded me - not at all what was expected. I recognized later than hoped that my original plan for this four weeks was flawed; making the most of what is left will happen.

Once again … fin!

Ya know when the brain freezes and nothing comes out? UGH!

I was determined to finish the second question Sunday - wouldn't go to bed until it was done due to the schedule I set up for myself. It wasn't even my typical high exception type of schedule, just a regular 'ol logical one (or so I thought until I flipped out for several days). Pity I haven't really stuck to that schedule - oops! But now that I have a week left it's necessary to inflict some pain on myself in order to finish.

If I can make it past midnight I'm good for several more hours - it's getting past midnight that's the killer - especially tough between 10:30 pm and the magic hour.

One more week. Fun sure flies when you're doin time!

Pole, pole.

Pronounced "po-la, po-la" and is Swahili for ‘slow, slow.’

I heard those words often while in Kenya as my Western psychological way of being showed up when events were either going array or not as fast as I thought they should. With a smile on his face, the elder of the village we stayed in would quietly say that phrase, and I would be reassured - after all I had no power to change the situation … in his infinite wisdom he was telling me to chill out.

Every so often that phrase wafts through my head. Like it did today as question two is still in the hopper. Yesterday I decided to take my response in a different direction than it began. Today I decided to reverse that and go back to my original approach. SHERYL!! What the heck are you thinking?!?

Ultimately that side trip had benefits.

Life is sculpted on a moment-to-moment basis. Every one of the thoughts we think, the words we speak, and the actions we take contributes to the complex quality and character of the universe’s unfolding. Every action taken affects the whole as greatly as every action not taken.
It is wise to be somewhat selective about how and where we are using our energy in order to keep ourselves from becoming scattered. The energy it takes to consolidate the scatteredness might be exhausting but how would we know there was discombobulation without reflection?

In the middleness of it all

Fun fact about today's image:

It is my rejected submission for the Minnesota State Fair. I'm in good company though - I ran into a professional photog in the pick-up line who also had a rejected piece - ggrrr. The judge was the Associate Curator of Photography at the Minneapolis Institute of Art … whoa.


If the world could stop turning for a day or two I'd be a happy camper - not because the clock is a-tickin but because I'm right in the middle of my second question and wanna plow through to the end - don't wanna lose the mo. Suspension of time would allow me to continue without having to experience the effects of time passing through a day. Quite the fantasy, eh?

Our minds need to rest in order to flourish. Although it is frustrating to feel unable to get ideas across or that whatever we want to do isn’t going our way, remembering that everything in life is a process gives us permission to let go of our need for perfection - am taking advantage of that permission. I know that (perfection) is not the aim of this experience.

Allowing oneself to use downtime to rejuvenate the mind can ultimately lead to something not have thought of before — putting things on our own back burner creates a rich and abundant stew of innovation. Releasing notions of what should be today, I just might be able to discover what will come could be beyond my wildest dreams.

so...yup!

As Tim Gunn says on Project Runway:
Make it work!

Well, I'm workin' it, Tim!


Productive day and even though I could stay up and work some more, it's better to hit the sack so I'm good for tomorrow (later today, really). Besides, have a 7:30 am walking date which I cannot miss!

Tidbits from today's horoscope - more ironies:

It could be easier for you to see what the future might hold for you today. Since you are observing what is happening now, you may feel like you can understand what might come to pass later. Having a farsighted view of your life can be a way for you to lay the groundwork today for your dreams of tomorrow, and you might try to consider what impact your actions could have on the future. (there's some blah-de-blah in between this and ...) By taking steps to align your present life with your future hopes today, you will transform your vision into something extraordinary.


Score!

How 'bout that Favre guy?

Yes, I know there are world events happening as I am consumed with comps. (Or should I say being consumed with being consumed?) How can I not be? The Daily Show with Jon Stewart is a nightly ritual!

But this is not about football or comedy (in a way, aren’t they the same thing? Sorry Beth.), it's about resources. Brett's being resourceful, don't ya think? I'm being resourceful as well.

As recommended, I organized resources gathered throughout my courses - binder, boxes, files, folders, bookmarks … electronic and paper. During quarter break the resources were re-organized in anticipation for comps. Felt pretty secure about it too. Although one cannot entirely anticipate the nature of the questions they will receive, piling with purpose provides a springboard for response success.

So has my purposeful piling served me well? More yes than no.

Pre-sorted and piled categories have cut down on whipping through papers like a mad-woman to locate appropriate references. That's great. But the questions contain aspects that I don't think I could have anticipated and therefore I still find myself in the library filling in the reference gaps or connecting the dots between the resources I have and the emphasis of the question.

At the end of the day (which this is) it's better to be organizationally piled than pile-challenged.

Geekin' out wit da research

Can't tell a question by the first (second, third…) read. When I was graced with my comps questions a couple weeks ago I poured over them as I knew one would speak to me: "Do me! Do me!" And all would be good. NOT! As I worked with the question it got more and more complicated and what began as a not-so-hard question turned out to be quite the opposite. But the question knew better and made itself look attractive so I could get that bugger outta da way! Just like Question 3 (application of theory), isn't it?

Though my remaining time is limited (drat!) gotta confess that Question 1 (research methodology) is captivating; havin such a good time with it. Experience with responding to a question has definitely been an advantage as I've developed a strategy - but, man, it's also a fun question. My geek side is certainly being honored. Imagine that!

Today's journey through a big-ass research book (it is the coolest book, ya know - really) yielded quite the gut-busting laugh when I read about my friend of the last few weeks: cognitive disequilibrium (Seel, 2008).

"The affective states of confusion and perhaps frustration are likely to occur during cognitive disequilibrium. Recent research has indeed pointed to confusion as an important affective state of learning. Confusion indicates an uncertainty about what to do next or how to act: thus, confusion often accompanies cognitive disequilibrium." (p. 49)

This so hilarious -- okay - acknowledging the geek, here. Confusion? Frustration? Uncertainty about what to do next? All characters in Sheryl's flip-out. Ya just can't make this stuff up!


Gots to give props wit da APA:
Seel, N. M. (2008). Empirical perspectives on memory and motivation. In J. M. Spector, M. D. Merrill, J. van Merriënboer, & M. P. Driscoll (Eds.)., Handbook of Research on Educational Communications and Technology (3rd ed.) (pp. 39-54). New York: Erlbaum.

Inner adventures

As usual I check out the horrorscope (misspelled for fun) at the end of the day (thanks again to TG for turning me on to this source) - as usual, the entertainment value is exceptional - and as usual the opportunity to shake my head remains (in a good way). How ironical today's image is what is for it's taken early in the morning.

The practice to stay present is all up in my face - where else would it be, you ask? Needless to say my mind wanders as I narrow my focus on the second comps question.

Today's words (my words) :
Your restless spirit may make you yearn for faraway places today, and this desire for a greater sense of adventure could mean that you wish to escape from your life as it is now. Perhaps you can use your longing for change to focus more deeply on the places you can travel to within yourself (good idea). During your meditations today you can use the power of your breath to access the parts of yourself that are unknown to you, imagining with each inhale that you are opening up doors to new and mysterious worlds that lie within (good advice for everyone).

Adventures of the spirit are as beneficial to us as travel to far-off places. Often the need to go somewhere physically is a signal that we are uncomfortable with what lies within ourselves causing us to focus our time, attention, and energy on something exciting that helps us forget what really is going on inside of us. When we have the courage to look within, however, we will discover that our inner world and the adventures that our spirits take us on, while sometimes daunting, are just as rich as the world beyond us. Going on an inner-focused adventure will bring new ideas, insights, and meaning to your life today (good - 'cuz I need it right now).


Once again - right on, sista! Listen inside - trust the universe - and move forward.

Next!

It's never too late to re-create; or recreate - today was about re-creation as I have blown the original game plan for this time off. Oh well - just make a new plan, Stan (and set yoself free) - monitor and adjust, so to speak.

All is not lost as there is still time left to finish what I have to do just gotta remind myself of the need to be flexible and go with the flow. When "it" ain't happenin, "it" ain't happenin - forcing the issue doesn't help. What needs to happen is take care of what needs to be taken care of and know that was the right thing to do after all is said and done.

The next two questions auditioned for my attention and though both did well, there wasn't a clear winner. Tryouts continue tomorrow (well, that would actually be today considering what time it is).

A shout out to the BroMeister

All things considered, my brother is rather marvelous. In his BroMeister way he has expressed pride in my being in a doctoral program. When I told him I was writing comps he asked if I would be "doctor" afterwards. Grinning big I broke the news to him there was more to do after that, about a year-and-a-half more to do. "Oh - well cool."

I appreciate his interest and pride because we're pretty tight…have bonded over a lot of shared unpleasant history growing up so if anyone can understand us it would be each other. Though he occasionally tells me what I'm doing is nothing like what is up in his life - I keep telling him that's okay! There's no reason to compare. I'm not in this for any one-up-sibling-ness (never a factor) and I'm not in this for the letters after my name. Hey - it's me - Sheryl - and will be that forever.

So why am I doing this? During this recent tumultuous up and down time, that question has been floating through my head. Ultimately I want to contribute to the education of youth in a different manner than when I was teaching.

Coming from an environment where I was told I wouldn't amount to anything has made me driven (in a good and not-so-good way) but in the end - I'm still me - a person who is amazed I'm in an freakin' doctoral program and made this reality out of several sorry-ass periods of my life.

So - yes! I will take a day to help my brother move and assist him to travel forward in his life, create a new beginning, and hopefully find peace - at least that is my dream for him and his family. I would do anything for this guy. I probably would have taken the day off work anyway to help him because he totally kicked-ass last year when I painted my whole condo the first few days I moved in. When all's said and done that is what life is about: other people.

I am blown away at the amount of support I have received in the last few weeks: encouragement beyond my wildest expectations. Continuing to trust that and derive strength from that for the next few weeks is top on my "to do" list. SO thank you to everyone who has expressed a "go for it" message - it has truly been felt in my heart.